I hate my brain.

I'm kind of sick of having to live with my own brain. I always have to verbalise things or express myself outwardly so I can feel any kind of relief from my thoughts. Obviously I am well adjusted socially so I do these things in an appropriate manner. BUT I wish I could just talk non stop to someone until I was DONE. I saw somewhere that this could be a bit of an ADHD thing (I was diagnosed a long time ago — high school — but I manage quite well). 

I feel like I'll explode when I can't. 

I am always anxious or frustrated or down or high (not bipolar like but just so excited to have like two good mental health days in a row where I feel like I have my shit together physically, emotionally AND mentally). Life is about ups and downs and nobody is ever just TOTALLY HAPPY AND CONTENT 24/7. But I'd like to feel NORMAL for a much longer time in a row! 

I honestly think that winter has kicked my arse. If I break it down, I have compassion for myself and everything makes sense. Less vitamin D. A 2 year old daughter who cries in the night when it rains (which can be a lot lately). Winter illness (not COVID — promise). Less social plans. My usual battle with my accumulated relationship traumas. Having an 8 year old who sometimes struggles at school (possible ADHD himself). Being a SAHM while close friends are returning to work (I don't want to go back yet but I feel a little lonelier and maybe a bit of irrational FOMO). 

2020 in general LOL. 

I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, remind myself I'm a bad ass REAL, ONLY HUMAN woman and get over myself!

In related news, I ordered some homeopathic skin patches that people are raving about. I promise I'm not crazy. I looked at all the ingredients and there's nothing that can harm me (very natural stuff) so I will go in a healthy sceptic. I do hope they help me mentally and physically. Hell, I'll even take a placebo effect if it helps haha. 

I just have to keep myself from losing the plot day by day. 

*deep breaths*


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